A Facebook Friend posted this: "I may not be the sexiest, the most beautiful, or even have the perfect body. I may not be everyone's first choice, but I'm me and I don't pretend to be anyone else. I may not be proud of some of the things I've done, but I'm proud of who I am today! I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I'm thankful I'm not where...I used to be."
I don't usually like the "post this on your profile" status demands, but this is one that did speak volumes. I do believe this one is actually blog worthy, and it certainly made me think...and think, and think.
The only thing I would change (for myself) is the portion that mentions "where I want to be" to "where I'd planned to be". At this moment in time I am exactly where I want to be, but where I had planned to be at this stage in my life is so much different then where I am - depending on the age at which I'd made plans. At 5 I'd "planned" to ride horses for a living. At 11 I'd "planned" on being a psychologist/doctor/lawyer by this time (it was a year of many aspirations.) At 20 I'd "planned" to be happily married by this age, and take on the June Cleaver role - with a (paying) job in addition to incredible homemaker and chef, of course! Where I am now is a place filled with uncertainty about the future, uncertain about even tomorrow, but I would not trade it for the world, because I do feel that this is where I am supposed to be at this given moment, and I'm happy with it!
The hardest, and easiest, for me to admit is that I am not proud of the things I have done. It is the hardest as I do not like to admit to flaws in my personality or actions, but easiest as I do take pride in being able to admit to them. It is a contradiction, I know, but I do take comfort in realizing that I am (simply and humbly) a human being, and that (as a human) I am built to err. The majority of what I am not proud of is in reacting in a very immature manner: that of striking out when I think that I am hurt. Allison hurt my feelings in high school, so I threw a piece of bubble gum at her. Marina hurt me, so I used my written word (yes, me, as a professional writer) to wound her. My sisters hurt me so I used my voice over the phone to call them "Santimonious 'Female Dogs'". I am proud of none of these actions, I can justify none of these actions, all I can do (though it is hard) is admit that I am only human, and try to apologize. These people (amongst others) have the right to choose whether they forgive me or not, that is a choice that they have to make, and as a hurter I have to accept their choice.
Now, to merge (inelegantly) into the "beautiful, sexy, perfect body" portion of this message: well, I just wish the entire world could realize the relativity of the subject. I won't dwell to much on the "perfect body" as all a person has to do is read back into my blog regarding "Perfection".
I stick out my tongue and hiss at the word perfect!
Beautiful and sexy, though, I've not written about. Too many people (men and women) think they need to comform to the images presented to us in magazines as to what is beautiful and what is sexy...but few stop to think that the epitome of each changes in varying degrees according to which magazine is being read! Each of these adjectives (or adverbs, depending on the usage of the word) is found within the contents of our individual hearts and minds, and is NOT found as a single image that the fashion/television industry wants us to believe is what we need to be.
This brings me to the sentence about "first choice". First choice is all about one persons preference. Some people might choose Calista Flockhart's thinness, some people might prefer Queen Latifah's personality and body. It is all subjective!!! I do not want to be every person's first choice, I only want to be the first choice of the man I love. I want to remember that I am who I am, and if a friend/family member/loved one cannot accept me as I am, they just don't deserve me!
To put it in the basest of terms...we all want to be loved for ourselves, who we are. Certainly in this day of computer communication, we can all pretend to be someone we aren't, but eventually the truth of who we really are does come out. Would it not be better for us all to show our true colours, and to truly be ourselves? Would it not be better to remember that magazine images are edited and amplified to reflect what the photographer is trying to project as beautiful and sexy, and NOT believe it is a reflection of what we are "supposed to believe"?
To quote the famous sailorman, Popeye: I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam"...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
D-I-V-O-R-C-E, What does it mean to me?
When you want to talk about a topic that raises mixed emotions and feelings, divorce is the way to go.
I have finally realized (just realized today as a matter of fact) that my six month residency status is completed within the state of California, so I am now able to file for divorce. How do I feel about it? The answer, my friends, is more mixed than a bag of frozen vegetables found at the local Safeway.
Do I regret getting a divorce? Well, that's a two part answer. I know, and believe, that there is a need for a complete sever of the relationship - both for my sake and my soon to be ex's. I want to move on with my life, and I also know (based upon his personality) that Darryl will never move on with his life until he has the paperwork in front of his face. That's the way he is. He is not a bad person, but when put into the same environment we are absolutely toxic. He does not need this, I do not need this, and the boys certainly do not need this.
Sidebar: I do know we dragged this out too long in the mistaken ideal that it worked best for the dragon younglings for us to cohabitate within the same household.
Why is this two part, you may ask. In a nutshell, it admits a failure on my part. Yes, mentally I know that it takes more than one person to make a relationship fail; on the other hand, this is something I failed at - an epic, royal purple fail. If I failed at this, how might I ever succeed at a relationship? I gave up on this one (for what I consider valid reasons) so who is to say I will not give up on my next relationship?
This is where emotion is in combat with rationality. Rationally speaking, I know that people have gone on to have wonderful second relationships. Emotionally, I still question that. Even though I love Darryl and care for his well-being, we have not been IN love with each other for years, and this makes a vital difference in the questions that I feel each day. I almost feel like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility (the book, not the movie).
My emotions are in an incredible battle between the two factions at the moment. Rational wins the battleground; emotional wins the raid. There is no clear victor.
The optimist in me tells me that what is going to happen next will work out in the long run, the pessimist in me says "good Lord, girl...prepare your call to arms."
I certainly hope that my friends can be patient with me over the next few months as this internal and external fight is fough (hopefully in all fairness), and help me with support. I know it is a lot to ask, and if you can spare it, the support will be incredibly appreciated.
Ciao for now,
Susan
I have finally realized (just realized today as a matter of fact) that my six month residency status is completed within the state of California, so I am now able to file for divorce. How do I feel about it? The answer, my friends, is more mixed than a bag of frozen vegetables found at the local Safeway.
Do I regret getting a divorce? Well, that's a two part answer. I know, and believe, that there is a need for a complete sever of the relationship - both for my sake and my soon to be ex's. I want to move on with my life, and I also know (based upon his personality) that Darryl will never move on with his life until he has the paperwork in front of his face. That's the way he is. He is not a bad person, but when put into the same environment we are absolutely toxic. He does not need this, I do not need this, and the boys certainly do not need this.
Sidebar: I do know we dragged this out too long in the mistaken ideal that it worked best for the dragon younglings for us to cohabitate within the same household.
Why is this two part, you may ask. In a nutshell, it admits a failure on my part. Yes, mentally I know that it takes more than one person to make a relationship fail; on the other hand, this is something I failed at - an epic, royal purple fail. If I failed at this, how might I ever succeed at a relationship? I gave up on this one (for what I consider valid reasons) so who is to say I will not give up on my next relationship?
This is where emotion is in combat with rationality. Rationally speaking, I know that people have gone on to have wonderful second relationships. Emotionally, I still question that. Even though I love Darryl and care for his well-being, we have not been IN love with each other for years, and this makes a vital difference in the questions that I feel each day. I almost feel like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility (the book, not the movie).
My emotions are in an incredible battle between the two factions at the moment. Rational wins the battleground; emotional wins the raid. There is no clear victor.
The optimist in me tells me that what is going to happen next will work out in the long run, the pessimist in me says "good Lord, girl...prepare your call to arms."
I certainly hope that my friends can be patient with me over the next few months as this internal and external fight is fough (hopefully in all fairness), and help me with support. I know it is a lot to ask, and if you can spare it, the support will be incredibly appreciated.
Ciao for now,
Susan
Friday, March 26, 2010
Battling With a Stereotype
I am 40, I am woman, I am here...hear me roar, again! Yes, people, it is time again to read Merwyn's barebone insights as to who she actually is, like it or not, on the inside.
I first heard about this "thing" called the SCA from my dearest friend in British Columbia (FYI, he told me BC stands for Bring Cash). From childhood I had been enamoured with the concepts of the medieval times, the chivalry, the honour, and (it must be said) the out right romanticism of the period, so I was quite envious when we re-connected and he had told me about it. I had thought (misunderstanding as usual) that this was some fun and games thing that existed only in British Columbia. Survey says...Merwyn was wrong, as usual.
I soon after moved to Iowa. I was lonely. I had two children to look after. I was a homeschooling mom who was up to her ears in polynomials and fractions (sidebar: kudo's to child in grade 3 who actually grasped the concept). I was tired of feeling lonely, so I joined a group of stay-at-home mom's who were fantastic. When I was organizer of this group I met a great woman...Lise de la Rosa...who was looking for the same thing - stay at home mom's who can each keep each other sane! Lo and behold, she had mentioned this obscure thing which I considered localized within the BC region of Canada...The SCA!
Well, blow me down!
I actually got off my lazy butt to research the SCA, only to find out that it is HUGE. So, to make a long story short (well, shorter anyway) I went to an open house and promptly began to research a personna.
Sidenote: if Lise or Una read this, I know. I never got as involved in Calontir as I could have...I'll laughingly blame it on the pronounciation of Core Don We, blame it on the Canadian in me.
Anyway, to get back on track...I chose the name Merwyn as this was the name of a pre-Hastings noblewoman who was entitled to own land. She's strong, she's fierce, she's all I would ever hope to live up to be...and then there's Susan. Susan is what happened after 1066AD.
Merwyn can deal with the battles life hands out; Susan finds herself in more battles than she can deal with, and they should not be battles (with the exception of the internal).
This is where the stereotype comes in. Susan is battling her biological clock, straightforward and simple. Merwyn wouldn't care, but Susan does. Susan realizes she is beyond the age of women wanting children, but still does anyway. Where does this stem from? It stems from giving 3 children away. Yes, 2 of them will be with her in a short time, but only for a year. Let's look at the kids:
Ian: given away at birth. Was it because Susan didn't want him? NO. Oh, she did.
Tyler and Tristan: Is it because she wanted to pawn the responsibility of boys on their dad? Again, a resounding NO!
In both cases (and I'm trying to remind myself of this daily) it was a case of loving the boys so much that I (Merwyn AND Susan) know that they deserve a mom as well as a dad. I miss all 3 each day that I breathe. I miss all 3 each day that I'm alive. Yet...I want another. Much introspection has told me that this is selfish, that I'm looking towards replacing existing children with another...and the same introspection has told me that this is unfair. What can I do but GRRRRROOOWWWWLLLL?
Here is the base rant of this babbling blog: I am tired of trying to convince the world that I did this for the best. I am tired of being labelled as an uncaring, cold, and unnurturing parent. None of this is fair and I am going to rail at it as long as it takes - though sometimes I so desperately want to give in and cry. I want to be the woman that I am, and not the woman that the world perceives me as. How can any person (male or female) be themselves with constant stereotypes applied to their personalities based upon misconceptions? My own counsellor had labelled me as a non-nurturing person without getting to know me, and she continues her sessions on this preconceived notion that she picked up within the first few minutes of our first meeting. This judgement continues into what people do in their spare time...
I have been found wanting because I play World of Warcraft. Do the people who put me down for it even ask why I play? Nope. Here are the reasons not asked for: I play because it gives me escape. I get to let my hair down and be Merwyn. I get to socialize with people, even though they are only online "guildies". I get to be me...which includes singing off-key and rattling Canadian tunes (Oh, the good old hockey game it's the best game you can name), with people who accept the real me as I am, and, yes, my online me is exactly the same as the real life me. It's the outlet that let's me talk to younger players, so I don't miss my own younger player. How's this for nurturing: I play my DK and my warrior when I want to protect those closest to me, I play my priest and my mage when I want to keep them from harm. I play my Paly when I believe both are needed. If I can't perform these actions in real life, who has the right to berate me, and my ilk, for doing so in the imaginary world. Tell me, writers of fiction and prose, how oft does your literature and fictionary posing lead YOU to the imaginary world?
If people are not willing to know the essence of another...keep your judgements to yourself. There are so many of us out there willing to expose ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and our hurts in order to create a better life for others.
...And now, Merwyn lives!
I first heard about this "thing" called the SCA from my dearest friend in British Columbia (FYI, he told me BC stands for Bring Cash). From childhood I had been enamoured with the concepts of the medieval times, the chivalry, the honour, and (it must be said) the out right romanticism of the period, so I was quite envious when we re-connected and he had told me about it. I had thought (misunderstanding as usual) that this was some fun and games thing that existed only in British Columbia. Survey says...Merwyn was wrong, as usual.
I soon after moved to Iowa. I was lonely. I had two children to look after. I was a homeschooling mom who was up to her ears in polynomials and fractions (sidebar: kudo's to child in grade 3 who actually grasped the concept). I was tired of feeling lonely, so I joined a group of stay-at-home mom's who were fantastic. When I was organizer of this group I met a great woman...Lise de la Rosa...who was looking for the same thing - stay at home mom's who can each keep each other sane! Lo and behold, she had mentioned this obscure thing which I considered localized within the BC region of Canada...The SCA!
Well, blow me down!
I actually got off my lazy butt to research the SCA, only to find out that it is HUGE. So, to make a long story short (well, shorter anyway) I went to an open house and promptly began to research a personna.
Sidenote: if Lise or Una read this, I know. I never got as involved in Calontir as I could have...I'll laughingly blame it on the pronounciation of Core Don We, blame it on the Canadian in me.
Anyway, to get back on track...I chose the name Merwyn as this was the name of a pre-Hastings noblewoman who was entitled to own land. She's strong, she's fierce, she's all I would ever hope to live up to be...and then there's Susan. Susan is what happened after 1066AD.
Merwyn can deal with the battles life hands out; Susan finds herself in more battles than she can deal with, and they should not be battles (with the exception of the internal).
This is where the stereotype comes in. Susan is battling her biological clock, straightforward and simple. Merwyn wouldn't care, but Susan does. Susan realizes she is beyond the age of women wanting children, but still does anyway. Where does this stem from? It stems from giving 3 children away. Yes, 2 of them will be with her in a short time, but only for a year. Let's look at the kids:
Ian: given away at birth. Was it because Susan didn't want him? NO. Oh, she did.
Tyler and Tristan: Is it because she wanted to pawn the responsibility of boys on their dad? Again, a resounding NO!
In both cases (and I'm trying to remind myself of this daily) it was a case of loving the boys so much that I (Merwyn AND Susan) know that they deserve a mom as well as a dad. I miss all 3 each day that I breathe. I miss all 3 each day that I'm alive. Yet...I want another. Much introspection has told me that this is selfish, that I'm looking towards replacing existing children with another...and the same introspection has told me that this is unfair. What can I do but GRRRRROOOWWWWLLLL?
Here is the base rant of this babbling blog: I am tired of trying to convince the world that I did this for the best. I am tired of being labelled as an uncaring, cold, and unnurturing parent. None of this is fair and I am going to rail at it as long as it takes - though sometimes I so desperately want to give in and cry. I want to be the woman that I am, and not the woman that the world perceives me as. How can any person (male or female) be themselves with constant stereotypes applied to their personalities based upon misconceptions? My own counsellor had labelled me as a non-nurturing person without getting to know me, and she continues her sessions on this preconceived notion that she picked up within the first few minutes of our first meeting. This judgement continues into what people do in their spare time...
I have been found wanting because I play World of Warcraft. Do the people who put me down for it even ask why I play? Nope. Here are the reasons not asked for: I play because it gives me escape. I get to let my hair down and be Merwyn. I get to socialize with people, even though they are only online "guildies". I get to be me...which includes singing off-key and rattling Canadian tunes (Oh, the good old hockey game it's the best game you can name), with people who accept the real me as I am, and, yes, my online me is exactly the same as the real life me. It's the outlet that let's me talk to younger players, so I don't miss my own younger player. How's this for nurturing: I play my DK and my warrior when I want to protect those closest to me, I play my priest and my mage when I want to keep them from harm. I play my Paly when I believe both are needed. If I can't perform these actions in real life, who has the right to berate me, and my ilk, for doing so in the imaginary world. Tell me, writers of fiction and prose, how oft does your literature and fictionary posing lead YOU to the imaginary world?
If people are not willing to know the essence of another...keep your judgements to yourself. There are so many of us out there willing to expose ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and our hurts in order to create a better life for others.
...And now, Merwyn lives!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Depression and Sex - Excuse Me?
I have been contemplating an article topic for a while. There are many websites and hot-lines for those who are suicidal, but what about websites or phone numbers for those who are very depressed, yet not wanting to end their life?
Monday night I was one of those people (partially as a result of an excess of brewski, which stemmed from overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness) so I thought I would browse around to do some research; it was the perfect timing as I'd be more receptive to these sites when I was in the same mood as someone who really needed to find one, than if I had been steeped in happiness and contentment. I found some great ones, I found some horrid ones. I thought I had found one that was really good. They gave sound, reasonable, and uplifting advice...until I came to the deal-breaker: "FOR ADULTS (with partners)".
Their profound advice reads as follows:
1) Keep having sex with your normal partner -- even if you think you don't feel like it.
2) It doesn't have to be magical and romantic.
3) Go for comfort, closeness, support, or love.
4) Tell your partner that you may not seem to feel like it, but it is important to do it--even if it's not great.
5) There are unforeseen hormonal and therapeutic benefits.
6) It will help you stay together during this difficult time.
7) Add it to the list of things that can keep you alive.
Okay, I have no qualms about numbers 5 and 7. If it keeps us alive, and it has proven benefits, who am I to argue with that? I would worry, however, about a person becoming promiscuous by relying on sex as a life-saver; regardless, they would still be alive.
The rest of their "advice" goes against the grain though. I cannot comment on how the male population feels, nor on how many women feel. I can only comment on my own way of thinking, and hopefully be speaking for those of a similar mindset.
Let's start with coping mechanism 1 and the oh! so lovely tag of "even if you think you don't feel like it." I'm sorry, I do not know if this will be an opinion shared, or if it's my own quirk, but when it comes to having sex (interjection: my personal feeling is that when it comes to knocking boots "having sex" is great and all that jazz...but "making love" wins over the two hands down!) I don't "think" I don't feel like it - I know I don't feel like it. Am I mistaken or does empty sex not make a depressed person feel more empty, and therefore more depressed? Sure it might feel good physically during (if you can get your mood on) but what about afterwards? I imagine feelings such as "Is this all I'm good for? Is this all I'm worth?"
Coping mechanism 2 is also fine and good, but, really, when a person is depressed nothing can be very romantic and magical. Refer to the above point...if I know I don't want to have sex, I'd get just as much enjoyment by opening a can of soup or vacuuming the house! Even if it can be romantic and magical: I just don't feel like it (and I KNOW it!)
What to say about advice point 3? I can get comfort, support, closeness, and love through simpler forms such as hugging, communication, and just plainly being listened to as I try to talk through the depression; much more so than performing an act of random animal rutting. Enough said!
Mechanisms number 4 and 6 can be combined in one word: HUH? I take these to mean "I don't care how shallow it is, we need to do this even if I don't want to, because otherwise we'll no longer be together." Talk about basing a relationship around sex! "Sex is the only reason we are, and will continue to be, involved. There is no deeper meaning to our relationship." Talk about pressure! If sex is the only basis for the relationship, then I'd certainly feel much more uplifted and happy if I were out of the relationship!
Call me old-fashioned, but I call this hog-wash! Regardless or whether I'm happy or depressed, I'd much rather be in a relationship consisting of love, respect, comfort, conversation, with (yes!) a dose or more of making love; I do not ever want to be in a relationship based upon sex...I'm still not clear, exactly, on how having sex is the only thing to help an adult (with a partner) going through depression.
If any of you reading this have any feedback or personal opinions, please feel free to send me a message (private or public) so that I can gain more insight on this topic.
Susan/Merwyn
Monday night I was one of those people (partially as a result of an excess of brewski, which stemmed from overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness) so I thought I would browse around to do some research; it was the perfect timing as I'd be more receptive to these sites when I was in the same mood as someone who really needed to find one, than if I had been steeped in happiness and contentment. I found some great ones, I found some horrid ones. I thought I had found one that was really good. They gave sound, reasonable, and uplifting advice...until I came to the deal-breaker: "FOR ADULTS (with partners)".
Their profound advice reads as follows:
1) Keep having sex with your normal partner -- even if you think you don't feel like it.
2) It doesn't have to be magical and romantic.
3) Go for comfort, closeness, support, or love.
4) Tell your partner that you may not seem to feel like it, but it is important to do it--even if it's not great.
5) There are unforeseen hormonal and therapeutic benefits.
6) It will help you stay together during this difficult time.
7) Add it to the list of things that can keep you alive.
Okay, I have no qualms about numbers 5 and 7. If it keeps us alive, and it has proven benefits, who am I to argue with that? I would worry, however, about a person becoming promiscuous by relying on sex as a life-saver; regardless, they would still be alive.
The rest of their "advice" goes against the grain though. I cannot comment on how the male population feels, nor on how many women feel. I can only comment on my own way of thinking, and hopefully be speaking for those of a similar mindset.
Let's start with coping mechanism 1 and the oh! so lovely tag of "even if you think you don't feel like it." I'm sorry, I do not know if this will be an opinion shared, or if it's my own quirk, but when it comes to having sex (interjection: my personal feeling is that when it comes to knocking boots "having sex" is great and all that jazz...but "making love" wins over the two hands down!) I don't "think" I don't feel like it - I know I don't feel like it. Am I mistaken or does empty sex not make a depressed person feel more empty, and therefore more depressed? Sure it might feel good physically during (if you can get your mood on) but what about afterwards? I imagine feelings such as "Is this all I'm good for? Is this all I'm worth?"
Coping mechanism 2 is also fine and good, but, really, when a person is depressed nothing can be very romantic and magical. Refer to the above point...if I know I don't want to have sex, I'd get just as much enjoyment by opening a can of soup or vacuuming the house! Even if it can be romantic and magical: I just don't feel like it (and I KNOW it!)
What to say about advice point 3? I can get comfort, support, closeness, and love through simpler forms such as hugging, communication, and just plainly being listened to as I try to talk through the depression; much more so than performing an act of random animal rutting. Enough said!
Mechanisms number 4 and 6 can be combined in one word: HUH? I take these to mean "I don't care how shallow it is, we need to do this even if I don't want to, because otherwise we'll no longer be together." Talk about basing a relationship around sex! "Sex is the only reason we are, and will continue to be, involved. There is no deeper meaning to our relationship." Talk about pressure! If sex is the only basis for the relationship, then I'd certainly feel much more uplifted and happy if I were out of the relationship!
Call me old-fashioned, but I call this hog-wash! Regardless or whether I'm happy or depressed, I'd much rather be in a relationship consisting of love, respect, comfort, conversation, with (yes!) a dose or more of making love; I do not ever want to be in a relationship based upon sex...I'm still not clear, exactly, on how having sex is the only thing to help an adult (with a partner) going through depression.
If any of you reading this have any feedback or personal opinions, please feel free to send me a message (private or public) so that I can gain more insight on this topic.
Susan/Merwyn
Friday, January 8, 2010
Attaining Perfection: Why?
The word "perfection" is over-rated and impossible to obtain due to the subjectivity involved in the concept itself. Perfect denotes that an item, ideal, person, concept etc...is flawless, but what might be "perfect" for one person does not qualify as "perfect" for another person. As far as I am concerned, anytime a person uses the word perfect it should have the qualifier "for me" tagged behind it.
I will use the crab bisque I made the other day as an example: this bisque was perfect for ME but somebody else may say it needed more salt, less pepper, or even a hint of shrimp added to it. If it's not perfect for all, it's not flawless. A person who has a shellfish allergy may say the taste was wonderful...but certainly would not say it was "perfect", especially when their throat closes up to the point where they can't say anything or they are busy putting on an antihistamine lotion to control the unbearable itching they have as a result of the ingredients.
Words that work better for me are those such as sublime and excellence; they are more easily obtained, and leave you room to strive for more. I have a much beloved friend who creates self-described rants (I'm sure you know who you are based on that single sentence) and more than one has contained frustration with people not living up to, and trying to exceed, their full potential, and that we should all aim for higher than mediocrity. I am in firm agreement with him on this, as proven by one of my favourite quotes: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning. This does not mean, however, that people are expected to achieve a state of perfection.
How could anyone try, or want, to become perfection personified? It is impossible to be, as no one person's idea of perfection would work for all individuals. If it were possible to be "perfect" could you imagine how boring it would be? How impossible it would be to live with such a person? The perfect person would always be in the right, would leave us imperfects with an inferiority complex, and would leave us nobody to get into debates with (how could you debate with the perfect person?). I don't want to live with, or be, that person.
Perfection reached would leave us nothing to improve, nothing to learn, nothing to strive for. I, personally, would rather create a really good bisque, work to make it better, and then work harder to make it excellent. I want to do my best, want to exceed my best, and still have room for improving...be it myself, my food, my writing, my education, and everything else.
As a unique and individual person I really want to spend every day of my life learning and growing; please never let me become "perfect" as I would then have nothing to reach for that is not already within my grasp!
I will use the crab bisque I made the other day as an example: this bisque was perfect for ME but somebody else may say it needed more salt, less pepper, or even a hint of shrimp added to it. If it's not perfect for all, it's not flawless. A person who has a shellfish allergy may say the taste was wonderful...but certainly would not say it was "perfect", especially when their throat closes up to the point where they can't say anything or they are busy putting on an antihistamine lotion to control the unbearable itching they have as a result of the ingredients.
Words that work better for me are those such as sublime and excellence; they are more easily obtained, and leave you room to strive for more. I have a much beloved friend who creates self-described rants (I'm sure you know who you are based on that single sentence) and more than one has contained frustration with people not living up to, and trying to exceed, their full potential, and that we should all aim for higher than mediocrity. I am in firm agreement with him on this, as proven by one of my favourite quotes: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning. This does not mean, however, that people are expected to achieve a state of perfection.
How could anyone try, or want, to become perfection personified? It is impossible to be, as no one person's idea of perfection would work for all individuals. If it were possible to be "perfect" could you imagine how boring it would be? How impossible it would be to live with such a person? The perfect person would always be in the right, would leave us imperfects with an inferiority complex, and would leave us nobody to get into debates with (how could you debate with the perfect person?). I don't want to live with, or be, that person.
Perfection reached would leave us nothing to improve, nothing to learn, nothing to strive for. I, personally, would rather create a really good bisque, work to make it better, and then work harder to make it excellent. I want to do my best, want to exceed my best, and still have room for improving...be it myself, my food, my writing, my education, and everything else.
As a unique and individual person I really want to spend every day of my life learning and growing; please never let me become "perfect" as I would then have nothing to reach for that is not already within my grasp!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Divorce: Why Is It So Fun To Give Men The Shaft?
January 6, 2010
I am a woman. I always have been, always will be, and I am not always proud of it...so don't hold your breath waiting to hear me roar. I am also a woman in the process of a divorce, and I just don't understand some of the comments thrown at both my soon to be ex-husband and me. Do people not realize that their snide comments hurt all parties involved? Do they care? Do they ever stop to consider the impact their innuendos have on the children? Men need to get a fair say (and fair deal) when it comes to divorce and custody of children. I feel that society really needs to give equal consideration when it comes to these issues.
It appears as though the pressure of the "proper" way to handle a divorce affects both genders, and both genders are told what they are supposed to do, and supposed to expect. When either gender falls short of these expectations they are told they are in the wrong.
I feel a great deal of sympathy for my almost-ex, as he was told (by friends/family) he was going to be considered in the wrong by the court. We were Canadians living in the United States, but he moved back to Canada (yes, this was while divorce was being discussed) for reasons of nothing more than job stability. He in no way, shape, or form abandoned the children or me. The kids and I stayed behind in the US in order to maintain and sell the house. It was no fault of his that he couldn't be around. In this situation, what was he told...he was told that I'd charge him with abandoning me, abandoning the children, and leaving me to deal with the house and all else. How wrong, and how supportive, is that? This man left his children behind in order to secure a better future and people had nothing better to do with their time than terrify him with scare tactics! Perhaps most scary is that I could have taken the children away and sued him but for my moral standards that I stubbornly refuse to depart with.
It is believed, by me, that what has contributed most to a decline in our communication regarding what the end result of our divorce will be are 'friends' who try to influence me, and not just my almost-ex. We both want to keep it as civil as a split can possibly be, but how can we when faced with the influx of opinions that are not our own, and are meant to terrify rather than support? He is constantly faced with "she's going to take you for everything", "you'll never see the kids again" and that is exacerbated by comments to me - "you need to sue him for alimony" (why? I am perfectly capable of earning my own living), "you need to sue him for child support" (again, why? we have agreed on 50/50 custody so why complicate issues with child support?) When either of us hear things such as this it hurts and makes us suspicious of each other.
Is it impossible to ask for a world where a couple can divorce, perhaps not happily but justly, in a way that works for all concerned: husband, wife, and children? Why do men have to be so scared, and why do women have to be taught that they hold all the cards. I am sending out a call to all divorcing families: let's do what is right for everyone, not just our own special interests!
I am a woman. I always have been, always will be, and I am not always proud of it...so don't hold your breath waiting to hear me roar. I am also a woman in the process of a divorce, and I just don't understand some of the comments thrown at both my soon to be ex-husband and me. Do people not realize that their snide comments hurt all parties involved? Do they care? Do they ever stop to consider the impact their innuendos have on the children? Men need to get a fair say (and fair deal) when it comes to divorce and custody of children. I feel that society really needs to give equal consideration when it comes to these issues.
It appears as though the pressure of the "proper" way to handle a divorce affects both genders, and both genders are told what they are supposed to do, and supposed to expect. When either gender falls short of these expectations they are told they are in the wrong.
I feel a great deal of sympathy for my almost-ex, as he was told (by friends/family) he was going to be considered in the wrong by the court. We were Canadians living in the United States, but he moved back to Canada (yes, this was while divorce was being discussed) for reasons of nothing more than job stability. He in no way, shape, or form abandoned the children or me. The kids and I stayed behind in the US in order to maintain and sell the house. It was no fault of his that he couldn't be around. In this situation, what was he told...he was told that I'd charge him with abandoning me, abandoning the children, and leaving me to deal with the house and all else. How wrong, and how supportive, is that? This man left his children behind in order to secure a better future and people had nothing better to do with their time than terrify him with scare tactics! Perhaps most scary is that I could have taken the children away and sued him but for my moral standards that I stubbornly refuse to depart with.
It is believed, by me, that what has contributed most to a decline in our communication regarding what the end result of our divorce will be are 'friends' who try to influence me, and not just my almost-ex. We both want to keep it as civil as a split can possibly be, but how can we when faced with the influx of opinions that are not our own, and are meant to terrify rather than support? He is constantly faced with "she's going to take you for everything", "you'll never see the kids again" and that is exacerbated by comments to me - "you need to sue him for alimony" (why? I am perfectly capable of earning my own living), "you need to sue him for child support" (again, why? we have agreed on 50/50 custody so why complicate issues with child support?) When either of us hear things such as this it hurts and makes us suspicious of each other.
Is it impossible to ask for a world where a couple can divorce, perhaps not happily but justly, in a way that works for all concerned: husband, wife, and children? Why do men have to be so scared, and why do women have to be taught that they hold all the cards. I am sending out a call to all divorcing families: let's do what is right for everyone, not just our own special interests!
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