When you want to talk about a topic that raises mixed emotions and feelings, divorce is the way to go.
I have finally realized (just realized today as a matter of fact) that my six month residency status is completed within the state of California, so I am now able to file for divorce. How do I feel about it? The answer, my friends, is more mixed than a bag of frozen vegetables found at the local Safeway.
Do I regret getting a divorce? Well, that's a two part answer. I know, and believe, that there is a need for a complete sever of the relationship - both for my sake and my soon to be ex's. I want to move on with my life, and I also know (based upon his personality) that Darryl will never move on with his life until he has the paperwork in front of his face. That's the way he is. He is not a bad person, but when put into the same environment we are absolutely toxic. He does not need this, I do not need this, and the boys certainly do not need this.
Sidebar: I do know we dragged this out too long in the mistaken ideal that it worked best for the dragon younglings for us to cohabitate within the same household.
Why is this two part, you may ask. In a nutshell, it admits a failure on my part. Yes, mentally I know that it takes more than one person to make a relationship fail; on the other hand, this is something I failed at - an epic, royal purple fail. If I failed at this, how might I ever succeed at a relationship? I gave up on this one (for what I consider valid reasons) so who is to say I will not give up on my next relationship?
This is where emotion is in combat with rationality. Rationally speaking, I know that people have gone on to have wonderful second relationships. Emotionally, I still question that. Even though I love Darryl and care for his well-being, we have not been IN love with each other for years, and this makes a vital difference in the questions that I feel each day. I almost feel like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility (the book, not the movie).
My emotions are in an incredible battle between the two factions at the moment. Rational wins the battleground; emotional wins the raid. There is no clear victor.
The optimist in me tells me that what is going to happen next will work out in the long run, the pessimist in me says "good Lord, girl...prepare your call to arms."
I certainly hope that my friends can be patient with me over the next few months as this internal and external fight is fough (hopefully in all fairness), and help me with support. I know it is a lot to ask, and if you can spare it, the support will be incredibly appreciated.
Ciao for now,
Susan
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Battling With a Stereotype
I am 40, I am woman, I am here...hear me roar, again! Yes, people, it is time again to read Merwyn's barebone insights as to who she actually is, like it or not, on the inside.
I first heard about this "thing" called the SCA from my dearest friend in British Columbia (FYI, he told me BC stands for Bring Cash). From childhood I had been enamoured with the concepts of the medieval times, the chivalry, the honour, and (it must be said) the out right romanticism of the period, so I was quite envious when we re-connected and he had told me about it. I had thought (misunderstanding as usual) that this was some fun and games thing that existed only in British Columbia. Survey says...Merwyn was wrong, as usual.
I soon after moved to Iowa. I was lonely. I had two children to look after. I was a homeschooling mom who was up to her ears in polynomials and fractions (sidebar: kudo's to child in grade 3 who actually grasped the concept). I was tired of feeling lonely, so I joined a group of stay-at-home mom's who were fantastic. When I was organizer of this group I met a great woman...Lise de la Rosa...who was looking for the same thing - stay at home mom's who can each keep each other sane! Lo and behold, she had mentioned this obscure thing which I considered localized within the BC region of Canada...The SCA!
Well, blow me down!
I actually got off my lazy butt to research the SCA, only to find out that it is HUGE. So, to make a long story short (well, shorter anyway) I went to an open house and promptly began to research a personna.
Sidenote: if Lise or Una read this, I know. I never got as involved in Calontir as I could have...I'll laughingly blame it on the pronounciation of Core Don We, blame it on the Canadian in me.
Anyway, to get back on track...I chose the name Merwyn as this was the name of a pre-Hastings noblewoman who was entitled to own land. She's strong, she's fierce, she's all I would ever hope to live up to be...and then there's Susan. Susan is what happened after 1066AD.
Merwyn can deal with the battles life hands out; Susan finds herself in more battles than she can deal with, and they should not be battles (with the exception of the internal).
This is where the stereotype comes in. Susan is battling her biological clock, straightforward and simple. Merwyn wouldn't care, but Susan does. Susan realizes she is beyond the age of women wanting children, but still does anyway. Where does this stem from? It stems from giving 3 children away. Yes, 2 of them will be with her in a short time, but only for a year. Let's look at the kids:
Ian: given away at birth. Was it because Susan didn't want him? NO. Oh, she did.
Tyler and Tristan: Is it because she wanted to pawn the responsibility of boys on their dad? Again, a resounding NO!
In both cases (and I'm trying to remind myself of this daily) it was a case of loving the boys so much that I (Merwyn AND Susan) know that they deserve a mom as well as a dad. I miss all 3 each day that I breathe. I miss all 3 each day that I'm alive. Yet...I want another. Much introspection has told me that this is selfish, that I'm looking towards replacing existing children with another...and the same introspection has told me that this is unfair. What can I do but GRRRRROOOWWWWLLLL?
Here is the base rant of this babbling blog: I am tired of trying to convince the world that I did this for the best. I am tired of being labelled as an uncaring, cold, and unnurturing parent. None of this is fair and I am going to rail at it as long as it takes - though sometimes I so desperately want to give in and cry. I want to be the woman that I am, and not the woman that the world perceives me as. How can any person (male or female) be themselves with constant stereotypes applied to their personalities based upon misconceptions? My own counsellor had labelled me as a non-nurturing person without getting to know me, and she continues her sessions on this preconceived notion that she picked up within the first few minutes of our first meeting. This judgement continues into what people do in their spare time...
I have been found wanting because I play World of Warcraft. Do the people who put me down for it even ask why I play? Nope. Here are the reasons not asked for: I play because it gives me escape. I get to let my hair down and be Merwyn. I get to socialize with people, even though they are only online "guildies". I get to be me...which includes singing off-key and rattling Canadian tunes (Oh, the good old hockey game it's the best game you can name), with people who accept the real me as I am, and, yes, my online me is exactly the same as the real life me. It's the outlet that let's me talk to younger players, so I don't miss my own younger player. How's this for nurturing: I play my DK and my warrior when I want to protect those closest to me, I play my priest and my mage when I want to keep them from harm. I play my Paly when I believe both are needed. If I can't perform these actions in real life, who has the right to berate me, and my ilk, for doing so in the imaginary world. Tell me, writers of fiction and prose, how oft does your literature and fictionary posing lead YOU to the imaginary world?
If people are not willing to know the essence of another...keep your judgements to yourself. There are so many of us out there willing to expose ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and our hurts in order to create a better life for others.
...And now, Merwyn lives!
I first heard about this "thing" called the SCA from my dearest friend in British Columbia (FYI, he told me BC stands for Bring Cash). From childhood I had been enamoured with the concepts of the medieval times, the chivalry, the honour, and (it must be said) the out right romanticism of the period, so I was quite envious when we re-connected and he had told me about it. I had thought (misunderstanding as usual) that this was some fun and games thing that existed only in British Columbia. Survey says...Merwyn was wrong, as usual.
I soon after moved to Iowa. I was lonely. I had two children to look after. I was a homeschooling mom who was up to her ears in polynomials and fractions (sidebar: kudo's to child in grade 3 who actually grasped the concept). I was tired of feeling lonely, so I joined a group of stay-at-home mom's who were fantastic. When I was organizer of this group I met a great woman...Lise de la Rosa...who was looking for the same thing - stay at home mom's who can each keep each other sane! Lo and behold, she had mentioned this obscure thing which I considered localized within the BC region of Canada...The SCA!
Well, blow me down!
I actually got off my lazy butt to research the SCA, only to find out that it is HUGE. So, to make a long story short (well, shorter anyway) I went to an open house and promptly began to research a personna.
Sidenote: if Lise or Una read this, I know. I never got as involved in Calontir as I could have...I'll laughingly blame it on the pronounciation of Core Don We, blame it on the Canadian in me.
Anyway, to get back on track...I chose the name Merwyn as this was the name of a pre-Hastings noblewoman who was entitled to own land. She's strong, she's fierce, she's all I would ever hope to live up to be...and then there's Susan. Susan is what happened after 1066AD.
Merwyn can deal with the battles life hands out; Susan finds herself in more battles than she can deal with, and they should not be battles (with the exception of the internal).
This is where the stereotype comes in. Susan is battling her biological clock, straightforward and simple. Merwyn wouldn't care, but Susan does. Susan realizes she is beyond the age of women wanting children, but still does anyway. Where does this stem from? It stems from giving 3 children away. Yes, 2 of them will be with her in a short time, but only for a year. Let's look at the kids:
Ian: given away at birth. Was it because Susan didn't want him? NO. Oh, she did.
Tyler and Tristan: Is it because she wanted to pawn the responsibility of boys on their dad? Again, a resounding NO!
In both cases (and I'm trying to remind myself of this daily) it was a case of loving the boys so much that I (Merwyn AND Susan) know that they deserve a mom as well as a dad. I miss all 3 each day that I breathe. I miss all 3 each day that I'm alive. Yet...I want another. Much introspection has told me that this is selfish, that I'm looking towards replacing existing children with another...and the same introspection has told me that this is unfair. What can I do but GRRRRROOOWWWWLLLL?
Here is the base rant of this babbling blog: I am tired of trying to convince the world that I did this for the best. I am tired of being labelled as an uncaring, cold, and unnurturing parent. None of this is fair and I am going to rail at it as long as it takes - though sometimes I so desperately want to give in and cry. I want to be the woman that I am, and not the woman that the world perceives me as. How can any person (male or female) be themselves with constant stereotypes applied to their personalities based upon misconceptions? My own counsellor had labelled me as a non-nurturing person without getting to know me, and she continues her sessions on this preconceived notion that she picked up within the first few minutes of our first meeting. This judgement continues into what people do in their spare time...
I have been found wanting because I play World of Warcraft. Do the people who put me down for it even ask why I play? Nope. Here are the reasons not asked for: I play because it gives me escape. I get to let my hair down and be Merwyn. I get to socialize with people, even though they are only online "guildies". I get to be me...which includes singing off-key and rattling Canadian tunes (Oh, the good old hockey game it's the best game you can name), with people who accept the real me as I am, and, yes, my online me is exactly the same as the real life me. It's the outlet that let's me talk to younger players, so I don't miss my own younger player. How's this for nurturing: I play my DK and my warrior when I want to protect those closest to me, I play my priest and my mage when I want to keep them from harm. I play my Paly when I believe both are needed. If I can't perform these actions in real life, who has the right to berate me, and my ilk, for doing so in the imaginary world. Tell me, writers of fiction and prose, how oft does your literature and fictionary posing lead YOU to the imaginary world?
If people are not willing to know the essence of another...keep your judgements to yourself. There are so many of us out there willing to expose ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and our hurts in order to create a better life for others.
...And now, Merwyn lives!
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