I have been contemplating an article topic for a while. There are many websites and hot-lines for those who are suicidal, but what about websites or phone numbers for those who are very depressed, yet not wanting to end their life?
Monday night I was one of those people (partially as a result of an excess of brewski, which stemmed from overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness) so I thought I would browse around to do some research; it was the perfect timing as I'd be more receptive to these sites when I was in the same mood as someone who really needed to find one, than if I had been steeped in happiness and contentment. I found some great ones, I found some horrid ones. I thought I had found one that was really good. They gave sound, reasonable, and uplifting advice...until I came to the deal-breaker: "FOR ADULTS (with partners)".
Their profound advice reads as follows:
1) Keep having sex with your normal partner -- even if you think you don't feel like it.
2) It doesn't have to be magical and romantic.
3) Go for comfort, closeness, support, or love.
4) Tell your partner that you may not seem to feel like it, but it is important to do it--even if it's not great.
5) There are unforeseen hormonal and therapeutic benefits.
6) It will help you stay together during this difficult time.
7) Add it to the list of things that can keep you alive.
Okay, I have no qualms about numbers 5 and 7. If it keeps us alive, and it has proven benefits, who am I to argue with that? I would worry, however, about a person becoming promiscuous by relying on sex as a life-saver; regardless, they would still be alive.
The rest of their "advice" goes against the grain though. I cannot comment on how the male population feels, nor on how many women feel. I can only comment on my own way of thinking, and hopefully be speaking for those of a similar mindset.
Let's start with coping mechanism 1 and the oh! so lovely tag of "even if you think you don't feel like it." I'm sorry, I do not know if this will be an opinion shared, or if it's my own quirk, but when it comes to having sex (interjection: my personal feeling is that when it comes to knocking boots "having sex" is great and all that jazz...but "making love" wins over the two hands down!) I don't "think" I don't feel like it - I know I don't feel like it. Am I mistaken or does empty sex not make a depressed person feel more empty, and therefore more depressed? Sure it might feel good physically during (if you can get your mood on) but what about afterwards? I imagine feelings such as "Is this all I'm good for? Is this all I'm worth?"
Coping mechanism 2 is also fine and good, but, really, when a person is depressed nothing can be very romantic and magical. Refer to the above point...if I know I don't want to have sex, I'd get just as much enjoyment by opening a can of soup or vacuuming the house! Even if it can be romantic and magical: I just don't feel like it (and I KNOW it!)
What to say about advice point 3? I can get comfort, support, closeness, and love through simpler forms such as hugging, communication, and just plainly being listened to as I try to talk through the depression; much more so than performing an act of random animal rutting. Enough said!
Mechanisms number 4 and 6 can be combined in one word: HUH? I take these to mean "I don't care how shallow it is, we need to do this even if I don't want to, because otherwise we'll no longer be together." Talk about basing a relationship around sex! "Sex is the only reason we are, and will continue to be, involved. There is no deeper meaning to our relationship." Talk about pressure! If sex is the only basis for the relationship, then I'd certainly feel much more uplifted and happy if I were out of the relationship!
Call me old-fashioned, but I call this hog-wash! Regardless or whether I'm happy or depressed, I'd much rather be in a relationship consisting of love, respect, comfort, conversation, with (yes!) a dose or more of making love; I do not ever want to be in a relationship based upon sex...I'm still not clear, exactly, on how having sex is the only thing to help an adult (with a partner) going through depression.
If any of you reading this have any feedback or personal opinions, please feel free to send me a message (private or public) so that I can gain more insight on this topic.
Susan/Merwyn
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Attaining Perfection: Why?
The word "perfection" is over-rated and impossible to obtain due to the subjectivity involved in the concept itself. Perfect denotes that an item, ideal, person, concept etc...is flawless, but what might be "perfect" for one person does not qualify as "perfect" for another person. As far as I am concerned, anytime a person uses the word perfect it should have the qualifier "for me" tagged behind it.
I will use the crab bisque I made the other day as an example: this bisque was perfect for ME but somebody else may say it needed more salt, less pepper, or even a hint of shrimp added to it. If it's not perfect for all, it's not flawless. A person who has a shellfish allergy may say the taste was wonderful...but certainly would not say it was "perfect", especially when their throat closes up to the point where they can't say anything or they are busy putting on an antihistamine lotion to control the unbearable itching they have as a result of the ingredients.
Words that work better for me are those such as sublime and excellence; they are more easily obtained, and leave you room to strive for more. I have a much beloved friend who creates self-described rants (I'm sure you know who you are based on that single sentence) and more than one has contained frustration with people not living up to, and trying to exceed, their full potential, and that we should all aim for higher than mediocrity. I am in firm agreement with him on this, as proven by one of my favourite quotes: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning. This does not mean, however, that people are expected to achieve a state of perfection.
How could anyone try, or want, to become perfection personified? It is impossible to be, as no one person's idea of perfection would work for all individuals. If it were possible to be "perfect" could you imagine how boring it would be? How impossible it would be to live with such a person? The perfect person would always be in the right, would leave us imperfects with an inferiority complex, and would leave us nobody to get into debates with (how could you debate with the perfect person?). I don't want to live with, or be, that person.
Perfection reached would leave us nothing to improve, nothing to learn, nothing to strive for. I, personally, would rather create a really good bisque, work to make it better, and then work harder to make it excellent. I want to do my best, want to exceed my best, and still have room for improving...be it myself, my food, my writing, my education, and everything else.
As a unique and individual person I really want to spend every day of my life learning and growing; please never let me become "perfect" as I would then have nothing to reach for that is not already within my grasp!
I will use the crab bisque I made the other day as an example: this bisque was perfect for ME but somebody else may say it needed more salt, less pepper, or even a hint of shrimp added to it. If it's not perfect for all, it's not flawless. A person who has a shellfish allergy may say the taste was wonderful...but certainly would not say it was "perfect", especially when their throat closes up to the point where they can't say anything or they are busy putting on an antihistamine lotion to control the unbearable itching they have as a result of the ingredients.
Words that work better for me are those such as sublime and excellence; they are more easily obtained, and leave you room to strive for more. I have a much beloved friend who creates self-described rants (I'm sure you know who you are based on that single sentence) and more than one has contained frustration with people not living up to, and trying to exceed, their full potential, and that we should all aim for higher than mediocrity. I am in firm agreement with him on this, as proven by one of my favourite quotes: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning. This does not mean, however, that people are expected to achieve a state of perfection.
How could anyone try, or want, to become perfection personified? It is impossible to be, as no one person's idea of perfection would work for all individuals. If it were possible to be "perfect" could you imagine how boring it would be? How impossible it would be to live with such a person? The perfect person would always be in the right, would leave us imperfects with an inferiority complex, and would leave us nobody to get into debates with (how could you debate with the perfect person?). I don't want to live with, or be, that person.
Perfection reached would leave us nothing to improve, nothing to learn, nothing to strive for. I, personally, would rather create a really good bisque, work to make it better, and then work harder to make it excellent. I want to do my best, want to exceed my best, and still have room for improving...be it myself, my food, my writing, my education, and everything else.
As a unique and individual person I really want to spend every day of my life learning and growing; please never let me become "perfect" as I would then have nothing to reach for that is not already within my grasp!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Divorce: Why Is It So Fun To Give Men The Shaft?
January 6, 2010
I am a woman. I always have been, always will be, and I am not always proud of it...so don't hold your breath waiting to hear me roar. I am also a woman in the process of a divorce, and I just don't understand some of the comments thrown at both my soon to be ex-husband and me. Do people not realize that their snide comments hurt all parties involved? Do they care? Do they ever stop to consider the impact their innuendos have on the children? Men need to get a fair say (and fair deal) when it comes to divorce and custody of children. I feel that society really needs to give equal consideration when it comes to these issues.
It appears as though the pressure of the "proper" way to handle a divorce affects both genders, and both genders are told what they are supposed to do, and supposed to expect. When either gender falls short of these expectations they are told they are in the wrong.
I feel a great deal of sympathy for my almost-ex, as he was told (by friends/family) he was going to be considered in the wrong by the court. We were Canadians living in the United States, but he moved back to Canada (yes, this was while divorce was being discussed) for reasons of nothing more than job stability. He in no way, shape, or form abandoned the children or me. The kids and I stayed behind in the US in order to maintain and sell the house. It was no fault of his that he couldn't be around. In this situation, what was he told...he was told that I'd charge him with abandoning me, abandoning the children, and leaving me to deal with the house and all else. How wrong, and how supportive, is that? This man left his children behind in order to secure a better future and people had nothing better to do with their time than terrify him with scare tactics! Perhaps most scary is that I could have taken the children away and sued him but for my moral standards that I stubbornly refuse to depart with.
It is believed, by me, that what has contributed most to a decline in our communication regarding what the end result of our divorce will be are 'friends' who try to influence me, and not just my almost-ex. We both want to keep it as civil as a split can possibly be, but how can we when faced with the influx of opinions that are not our own, and are meant to terrify rather than support? He is constantly faced with "she's going to take you for everything", "you'll never see the kids again" and that is exacerbated by comments to me - "you need to sue him for alimony" (why? I am perfectly capable of earning my own living), "you need to sue him for child support" (again, why? we have agreed on 50/50 custody so why complicate issues with child support?) When either of us hear things such as this it hurts and makes us suspicious of each other.
Is it impossible to ask for a world where a couple can divorce, perhaps not happily but justly, in a way that works for all concerned: husband, wife, and children? Why do men have to be so scared, and why do women have to be taught that they hold all the cards. I am sending out a call to all divorcing families: let's do what is right for everyone, not just our own special interests!
I am a woman. I always have been, always will be, and I am not always proud of it...so don't hold your breath waiting to hear me roar. I am also a woman in the process of a divorce, and I just don't understand some of the comments thrown at both my soon to be ex-husband and me. Do people not realize that their snide comments hurt all parties involved? Do they care? Do they ever stop to consider the impact their innuendos have on the children? Men need to get a fair say (and fair deal) when it comes to divorce and custody of children. I feel that society really needs to give equal consideration when it comes to these issues.
It appears as though the pressure of the "proper" way to handle a divorce affects both genders, and both genders are told what they are supposed to do, and supposed to expect. When either gender falls short of these expectations they are told they are in the wrong.
I feel a great deal of sympathy for my almost-ex, as he was told (by friends/family) he was going to be considered in the wrong by the court. We were Canadians living in the United States, but he moved back to Canada (yes, this was while divorce was being discussed) for reasons of nothing more than job stability. He in no way, shape, or form abandoned the children or me. The kids and I stayed behind in the US in order to maintain and sell the house. It was no fault of his that he couldn't be around. In this situation, what was he told...he was told that I'd charge him with abandoning me, abandoning the children, and leaving me to deal with the house and all else. How wrong, and how supportive, is that? This man left his children behind in order to secure a better future and people had nothing better to do with their time than terrify him with scare tactics! Perhaps most scary is that I could have taken the children away and sued him but for my moral standards that I stubbornly refuse to depart with.
It is believed, by me, that what has contributed most to a decline in our communication regarding what the end result of our divorce will be are 'friends' who try to influence me, and not just my almost-ex. We both want to keep it as civil as a split can possibly be, but how can we when faced with the influx of opinions that are not our own, and are meant to terrify rather than support? He is constantly faced with "she's going to take you for everything", "you'll never see the kids again" and that is exacerbated by comments to me - "you need to sue him for alimony" (why? I am perfectly capable of earning my own living), "you need to sue him for child support" (again, why? we have agreed on 50/50 custody so why complicate issues with child support?) When either of us hear things such as this it hurts and makes us suspicious of each other.
Is it impossible to ask for a world where a couple can divorce, perhaps not happily but justly, in a way that works for all concerned: husband, wife, and children? Why do men have to be so scared, and why do women have to be taught that they hold all the cards. I am sending out a call to all divorcing families: let's do what is right for everyone, not just our own special interests!
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