Self: The Present and Retrospect

A Facebook Friend posted this: "I may not be the sexiest, the most beautiful, or even have the perfect body. I may not be everyone's first choice, but I'm me and I don't pretend to be anyone else. I may not be proud of some of the things I've done, but I'm proud of who I am today! I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I'm thankful I'm not where...I used to be."

I don't usually like the "post this on your profile" status demands, but this is one that did speak volumes. I do believe this one is actually blog worthy, and it certainly made me think...and think, and think.

The only thing I would change (for myself) is the portion that mentions "where I want to be" to "where I'd planned to be". At this moment in time I am exactly where I want to be, but where I had planned to be at this stage in my life is so much different then where I am - depending on the age at which I'd made plans. At 5 I'd "planned" to ride horses for a living. At 11 I'd "planned" on being a psychologist/doctor/lawyer by this time (it was a year of many aspirations.) At 20 I'd "planned" to be happily married by this age, and take on the June Cleaver role - with a (paying) job in addition to incredible homemaker and chef, of course! Where I am now is a place filled with uncertainty about the future, uncertain about even tomorrow, but I would not trade it for the world, because I do feel that this is where I am supposed to be at this given moment, and I'm happy with it!

The hardest, and easiest, for me to admit is that I am not proud of the things I have done. It is the hardest as I do not like to admit to flaws in my personality or actions, but easiest as I do take pride in being able to admit to them. It is a contradiction, I know, but I do take comfort in realizing that I am (simply and humbly) a human being, and that (as a human) I am built to err. The majority of what I am not proud of is in reacting in a very immature manner: that of striking out when I think that I am hurt. Allison hurt my feelings in high school, so I threw a piece of bubble gum at her. Marina hurt me, so I used my written word (yes, me, as a professional writer) to wound her. My sisters hurt me so I used my voice over the phone to call them "Santimonious 'Female Dogs'". I am proud of none of these actions, I can justify none of these actions, all I can do (though it is hard) is admit that I am only human, and try to apologize. These people (amongst others) have the right to choose whether they forgive me or not, that is a choice that they have to make, and as a hurter I have to accept their choice.

Now, to merge (inelegantly) into the "beautiful, sexy, perfect body" portion of this message: well, I just wish the entire world could realize the relativity of the subject. I won't dwell to much on the "perfect body" as all a person has to do is read back into my blog regarding "Perfection".

I stick out my tongue and hiss at the word perfect!

Beautiful and sexy, though, I've not written about. Too many people (men and women) think they need to comform to the images presented to us in magazines as to what is beautiful and what is sexy...but few stop to think that the epitome of each changes in varying degrees according to which magazine is being read! Each of these adjectives (or adverbs, depending on the usage of the word) is found within the contents of our individual hearts and minds, and is NOT found as a single image that the fashion/television industry wants us to believe is what we need to be.

This brings me to the sentence about "first choice". First choice is all about one persons preference. Some people might choose Calista Flockhart's thinness, some people might prefer Queen Latifah's personality and body. It is all subjective!!! I do not want to be every person's first choice, I only want to be the first choice of the man I love. I want to remember that I am who I am, and if a friend/family member/loved one cannot accept me as I am, they just don't deserve me!

To put it in the basest of terms...we all want to be loved for ourselves, who we are. Certainly in this day of computer communication, we can all pretend to be someone we aren't, but eventually the truth of who we really are does come out. Would it not be better for us all to show our true colours, and to truly be ourselves? Would it not be better to remember that magazine images are edited and amplified to reflect what the photographer is trying to project as beautiful and sexy, and NOT believe it is a reflection of what we are "supposed to believe"?

To quote the famous sailorman, Popeye: I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam"...