I have been contemplating an article topic for a while. There are many websites and hot-lines for those who are suicidal, but what about websites or phone numbers for those who are very depressed, yet not wanting to end their life?
Monday night I was one of those people (partially as a result of an excess of brewski, which stemmed from overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness) so I thought I would browse around to do some research; it was the perfect timing as I'd be more receptive to these sites when I was in the same mood as someone who really needed to find one, than if I had been steeped in happiness and contentment. I found some great ones, I found some horrid ones. I thought I had found one that was really good. They gave sound, reasonable, and uplifting advice...until I came to the deal-breaker: "FOR ADULTS (with partners)".
Their profound advice reads as follows:
1) Keep having sex with your normal partner -- even if you think you don't feel like it.
2) It doesn't have to be magical and romantic.
3) Go for comfort, closeness, support, or love.
4) Tell your partner that you may not seem to feel like it, but it is important to do it--even if it's not great.
5) There are unforeseen hormonal and therapeutic benefits.
6) It will help you stay together during this difficult time.
7) Add it to the list of things that can keep you alive.
Okay, I have no qualms about numbers 5 and 7. If it keeps us alive, and it has proven benefits, who am I to argue with that? I would worry, however, about a person becoming promiscuous by relying on sex as a life-saver; regardless, they would still be alive.
The rest of their "advice" goes against the grain though. I cannot comment on how the male population feels, nor on how many women feel. I can only comment on my own way of thinking, and hopefully be speaking for those of a similar mindset.
Let's start with coping mechanism 1 and the oh! so lovely tag of "even if you think you don't feel like it." I'm sorry, I do not know if this will be an opinion shared, or if it's my own quirk, but when it comes to having sex (interjection: my personal feeling is that when it comes to knocking boots "having sex" is great and all that jazz...but "making love" wins over the two hands down!) I don't "think" I don't feel like it - I know I don't feel like it. Am I mistaken or does empty sex not make a depressed person feel more empty, and therefore more depressed? Sure it might feel good physically during (if you can get your mood on) but what about afterwards? I imagine feelings such as "Is this all I'm good for? Is this all I'm worth?"
Coping mechanism 2 is also fine and good, but, really, when a person is depressed nothing can be very romantic and magical. Refer to the above point...if I know I don't want to have sex, I'd get just as much enjoyment by opening a can of soup or vacuuming the house! Even if it can be romantic and magical: I just don't feel like it (and I KNOW it!)
What to say about advice point 3? I can get comfort, support, closeness, and love through simpler forms such as hugging, communication, and just plainly being listened to as I try to talk through the depression; much more so than performing an act of random animal rutting. Enough said!
Mechanisms number 4 and 6 can be combined in one word: HUH? I take these to mean "I don't care how shallow it is, we need to do this even if I don't want to, because otherwise we'll no longer be together." Talk about basing a relationship around sex! "Sex is the only reason we are, and will continue to be, involved. There is no deeper meaning to our relationship." Talk about pressure! If sex is the only basis for the relationship, then I'd certainly feel much more uplifted and happy if I were out of the relationship!
Call me old-fashioned, but I call this hog-wash! Regardless or whether I'm happy or depressed, I'd much rather be in a relationship consisting of love, respect, comfort, conversation, with (yes!) a dose or more of making love; I do not ever want to be in a relationship based upon sex...I'm still not clear, exactly, on how having sex is the only thing to help an adult (with a partner) going through depression.
If any of you reading this have any feedback or personal opinions, please feel free to send me a message (private or public) so that I can gain more insight on this topic.
Susan/Merwyn
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Hmmm... gotta agree with you completely here Susan. I'm not one of the "gotta get laid" males out there (perhaps I'm lacking the testosterone drive that the rutting males have). I've been through this as well, and from the male point of view it's the same (well, MY point of view, I can't speak for the other bulls in the herd).
ReplyDeleteWe get older and our expectations in a partner change...and sometimes our partner doesn't.
I do know that sex is exercise, and exercise releases endorphines...and endorphines make you happy... so if you're depressed it could help...but so could a walk or a swim.
Myself, I want a partner that respects my choice not to have sex when I don't want to, and understands when I'm depressed and drags my sorry ass out to a climbing wall or out for a walk :-)
as for that BS #6 on the list... sex doesn't keep a couple together...respect, love, and friendship do... been in the sex relationships, and the actual friendship ones last a lot longer.
Keep writing, and I'll keep reading...and try to be more clear with my next response...this one feels very...random.
Thank you, Tyler! I was concerned (well, not really...I am who I am, and proud of it) but it helps to know that I'm not alone in the psychology of sex.
ReplyDeleteIt's not only your response that feels random, I've not put the thought and effort into this that I should have. I was to angered to cool down before posting this!