D-I-V-O-R-C-E, What does it mean to me?

When you want to talk about a topic that raises mixed emotions and feelings, divorce is the way to go.

I have finally realized (just realized today as a matter of fact) that my six month residency status is completed within the state of California, so I am now able to file for divorce. How do I feel about it? The answer, my friends, is more mixed than a bag of frozen vegetables found at the local Safeway.

Do I regret getting a divorce? Well, that's a two part answer. I know, and believe, that there is a need for a complete sever of the relationship - both for my sake and my soon to be ex's. I want to move on with my life, and I also know (based upon his personality) that Darryl will never move on with his life until he has the paperwork in front of his face. That's the way he is. He is not a bad person, but when put into the same environment we are absolutely toxic. He does not need this, I do not need this, and the boys certainly do not need this.

Sidebar: I do know we dragged this out too long in the mistaken ideal that it worked best for the dragon younglings for us to cohabitate within the same household.

Why is this two part, you may ask. In a nutshell, it admits a failure on my part. Yes, mentally I know that it takes more than one person to make a relationship fail; on the other hand, this is something I failed at - an epic, royal purple fail. If I failed at this, how might I ever succeed at a relationship? I gave up on this one (for what I consider valid reasons) so who is to say I will not give up on my next relationship?

This is where emotion is in combat with rationality. Rationally speaking, I know that people have gone on to have wonderful second relationships. Emotionally, I still question that. Even though I love Darryl and care for his well-being, we have not been IN love with each other for years, and this makes a vital difference in the questions that I feel each day. I almost feel like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility (the book, not the movie).

My emotions are in an incredible battle between the two factions at the moment. Rational wins the battleground; emotional wins the raid. There is no clear victor.

The optimist in me tells me that what is going to happen next will work out in the long run, the pessimist in me says "good Lord, girl...prepare your call to arms."

I certainly hope that my friends can be patient with me over the next few months as this internal and external fight is fough (hopefully in all fairness), and help me with support. I know it is a lot to ask, and if you can spare it, the support will be incredibly appreciated.

Ciao for now,

Susan